I Love You, Cindy!

I Wish My "Aha" Moment Would Hit Me Like a Ton of Bricks!

You're Worth IT! I need to keep telling myself that! I've always had an unhealthy body image. I thought I was fat when I weighed 160 in high school. True, that's not an ideal weight for a 5 foot 2 inch girl, but I wasn't breaking the scale either. I was not fat-FAT. I was about 40 lbs over weight. It was at that time I started yo-yo dieting. Like I mentioned before, I yo-yoed myself right past 300 lbs! For years I've struggled with self-worth. Outside, I come off as a confident fat girl. I struggle with why I can't I love myself enough to get healthy. Am I afraid to even try to work out and lose weight? Am I paralyzed by fear? What if I fail again? Do I deserve to feel good about myself? I know I want to, but I always seem to sabotage myself. WHY do I do that?! I watch The Biggest Loser every season, wishing I was the one on there. I even auditioned for it once. They never called. While I'm watching the show, I keep waiting for my "aha moment," you know, the one Oprah always talks about? I sit there, on my butt, watching it while eating ice cream, hoping someone on that show will say something that triggers MY aha moment. I'm still waiting.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not?

When I got married the 2nd time around, I knew he loved me so unconditionally that he didn't care what the number on the scale was or what my pant size was. I loved my husband so much for that. But. Lately he's made comments that hurt me and make me question his love for me. We spent a $1000 on an elliptical, and I admittedly, haven't been on it like I should be. I'm lying, lets face it, I haven't been on it at all in a month! Then he bought me the Wii Fit Biggest Loser addition and I haven't even opened the box! Recently, he questioned me about it and every now and then he makes a comment I construe as negative. I know it's stupid, but because of that I get this "I'll show you" attitude, and I sabotage myself for control. And I don't mean control in the sense of 'the boss,' I mean control of my own destiny. I know deep down he does love ME, and he is only concerned about my health. But, it just angers me that he notices what I'm NOT doing instead of what I AM doing. I have lost 20 lbs and changed a lot of my diet, why doesn't he notice that? Doesn't he know to encourage the positive and not to point out the negative? I know he means well, really I do, so why do I continue to sabotage myself? I am still struggling with that. Sometimes I feel like there is something stopping me from what I really want. My goal seems so far away, so maybe it is the fear of failure? I don't know, but what I DO know is: I DO want to lose weight. I DO want to feel good about myself. I DO want to get control of my diabetes. I DO want to get healthy. And most of all, I DO want to love Cindy! I just need to find the motivation, the commitment, make the changes, and live a healthier lifestyle. Most of all I need to love Cindy enough to stop sabotaging myself!

I'm Worth it...Damnit!

I have decided to take a new road in my life, and I'm not sure whether it's wrong or right, but I know it’s guided by truth and happiness.

Over the last month, I have felt myself losing focus of my goals. I have been struggling with depression lately, slowly but surely it feels like I'm falling apart.  To make things worse, my father was diagnosed with leukemia. I'm having a hard time dealing with everything. Being depressed + plus feeling hopeless + plus my fathers illness = lots of stress. I decided I needed help, so I went to my doctor, and she put me on antidepressant. It's only been a week, but I feel like its helping. At least I'm feeling like I want to focus on "me" again.

I'm beginning to recognize the hard and fast truth: If you want your life to change, you have to change it.

This week I'm going to make a true effort to get my eating in check. I keep saying it, but I never do it, not 100% anyway. I've made some positive changes, lost 20 lbs, but I know I can do better. My plan is planning. I'm going to wash and cut up everything I need for salads for the week. I’m going to put it all in separate containers so it's quick and easy to put together. I’m going to buy lean meats, and eat the right amount of protein and the right kind of carbs for the day. I’m going to start measuring portions. Ugh, not my favorite thing to do! We'll see how this goes.